Invisible
by NaomiP
Summary: Jane is a shy med student; invisible to most of the staff. When Luka takes a special interest in her there will be tragic consequences. COMPLETE in 7 chapters.
1. Chapter 1

A/N Ok. So I know I promised y'all the rest of "Boy's Club." And you're going to get it. But this one jumped into my head at the end of "Only Connect" and wouldn't go away until I wrote it. (Though it did take me a couple of weeks to figure out exactly what was going to happen.) Looks to be about 5 chapters or so. TPTB have given Jane NO background, so I got the fun of creating a backstory for her. Why she is the way she is.

(Oops. Almost forgot the disclaimers. I don't own anyone. Not even Jane. I DO own this particular arrangement of words so please ask my persmission before doing anything except reading it/printing it out for your own enjoyment.)

-

"Are you leaving?" Abby asked.

"Yeah ... in a minute."

"We can wait," said Neela cheerfully. "We can all walk to the el together."

"No, you don't have to wait for me. I need to ... umm ... ask Dr. Pratt something before I go. I may be a while."

"Ok then. We'll see you tomorrow then?" Without waiting for an answer, they opened the ambulance bay doors and went on their way.

She stood in the doorway a moment longer, then sighed and pulled her mittens from her pocket. The wool was starting to fray, but they'd last through the winter. She rubbed her thumb over the snowflake pattern knitted into the back of the mitten and smiled a little. They'd been a Christmas gift from her mother. Four years ago. The last gift she'd received from her. She didn't quite believe the note in the card that had said, "I made these myself. I hope you like them." Her mother had never made anything for her in her life, and she doubted the woman knew how to knit. Still, it was the thought that counted. A peace offering, perhaps, but when she'd tried to call home the next day to thank her for the gift, she'd gotten a recording. "The number you have dialed has been disconnected." Not a surprise. How often had they moved in the 18 years she'd lived at home?

A warm, accented voice startled her. "Everything ok, Jane?"

"Yeah, everything's fine, Dr. Kovac. I'm just leaving." A shrug. "It's cold out, you know. I hate going out there."

"You can walk with us to the el," Sam said brightly.

"No, I ... I''m fine, really."

"Ok. We'll see you tomorrow, then."

"I'll be here, like always." Jane watched them walk, hand in hand, across the ambulance bay. She saw them stop for a moment and speak to Abby and Neela. Were they laughing together? It was hard to tell?

When they'd started climbing the stairs to the el station, she pulled on her mittens and stepped outside.

Jane had been there for months, she worked with these doctors and nurses almost every day. And none of them had ever noticed that she _didn't_ take the el. None of them knew that she lived in a tiny campus dorm room two blocks from the hospital. None of them knew a damn thing about her.

She felt a tightness in her stomach, and her mittened hands clenched into fists. What she wouldn't give ... would she _ever_ have what they had? The easy friendship between Abby and Neela. She knew there were tensions between them, but they were still, so obviously, good friends. They confided in each other, laughed with each other. And Sam and Luka ... Dr. Kovac. Neela had just blown her off when she'd mentioned that Dr. Kovac was hot. Looked at her like she'd just grown two heads. Why _should_ Neela notice that sort of thing? Neela was beautiful. She could have any guy she wanted. There were plenty of good looking men around the ER. Maybe Luka just wasn't quite her type. But for Jane it was all just a dream anyway ... a fantasy. And if you're going to dream, you might as well dream big. She could neverhave a guy likeLuka. Luka and Sam were together, and Sam was everything _she_ wasn't. Beautiful, clever, confident, skilled. She was none of those things, and never could be. She just just a piece of furniture. Nobody ever noticed her. Maybe she'd be better off with two heads. At least then she'd be a fascinating teaching case ...

Their offers had been genuine enough, polite enough. If she _had_ been walking to the el she could could have walked with Abby and Neela, or with Dr. Kovac and Sam. But she would have just been a fifth wheel. She wouldn't have been able to think of anything to say, and anything they'd said to her would have just been polite small talk. They didn't really want her there. Two's company, three's a crowd.

And one. One is the loneliest number. One singular sensation. One Jane Figler, fourth year medical student who would be, in four months, a doctor.

-

Jane checked her mailbox, empty of course, then headed up the stairs to her room. She put water to boil in the electric kettle for ramen noodles. Beef flavor today. She opened her pathology book. Might as well study while dinner cooked, she had a test tomorrow. She'd look over the chapter. Not that she was worried. A's came easy to her. Getting good grades was easy, always had been. But nothing else about this came easy.

The patients. The doctors. She never knew what to say to any of them. When she tried, she always said the wrong thing, always ended up with her foot firmly in her mouth. She remembered her first day in the ER. She was determined to make it work, determined that _this_ rotation would be different. And she'd made a fool of herself in the first five minutes._Why_ had she asked Neela about her previous residency? Of all the stupid questions to ask ...God, it was a miracle that Neela didn't hate her. She just settled for ignoring her most of the time, which really _was_ fine with Jane. It was nothing new, anyway.

So she'd just stopped trying, gone back to being invisible. Being invisible was easy too, if only because she'd had a lot of practice. She'd learned how to be invisible a long time ago. She was a pro. You fade into the woodwork, you survive. You get noticed ... you pay the price. You get pushed down the stairs at Bloomfield Rd. Elementary school and get worms put into your lunch tray. You find methelyn blue poured all over your lab notes in 10th grade chemistry class. You get called Plain-Jane-the-Brain by the boys in junior high - boys who would never _ever_ ask you out on a date, but did unhook the back of your bra in English class and whisper in your ear 'You don't need it anyway, Jane. Too bad you've got it all in your head and not down lower where it really counts.'

God .… she hated her name. She'd been named after her great aunt, not that she'd ever met the woman. She longed for an interesting name, a glamorous one. Or at least one that didn't lend itself _quite_ so handily to teasing and name calling. For a time in 4th grade she'd taken to spelling her name 'Jayne.' She told the girls at the lunch table that she'd been named for Jayne Mansfield, a beautiful actress from a long time ago. Jayne Marie Figler. Marie she'd just made up ... it sounded rather elegant to her ears, better, anyway, than Ann. But it hadn't lasted. The girls in the class still teased her and called her names. And the teacher, a woman possessed of little imagination and even less compassion had started marking all her papers with F's. "I can't grade these papers if the headings aren't correct, Jane. You must put your true, legal name on all your papers." So it was back to being just Jane again. Invisible Jane.

If being noticed at school was bad, being noticed by your stepfather was worse. The first two hadn't been_too_ bad. She'd been young, and they'd settled for knocking her around a little, slapping her face when she'd 'sassed' them. But the last two ... she might not have had enough for the boys in junior high, but she had plenty for Roger, and Tim hadn't complained either. Oh, they'd never really _done_ anything to her, not really. It was hard to do much when her bed was usually a pull-out, or sometimes just a cot in the living room of whatever crappy apartment they were living in that year. She was probably the only virgin in her med school class. But the quick feel as they brushed against her, the 'accidental' walking into the bathroom when she was in the shower. And, sometimes, the large hand grabbing hers and guiding it. "Come on, Janie, help a guy out, would'ja? Your mom's dead to the world and I'm in a sorry state here."

Her mother. She'd tried complaining to her. "I don't like Roger, Ma. He ... takes advantage of me. He ... does things ..."

"Aw, you're imagining things. He's a great guy. Takes good care of us. You just don't want me to be happy, do you?" Not that Mom had been happy either. None of her husbands had stuck around for more than a couple of years.

She'd discovered the local public library early. Heaven. Here she could escape the hell at home, and lose herself in books. She never checked anything out, she didn't have a library card -.she was too ashamed to give the library her home address. But she would sit and read for hours, often staying from the end of the school day until the library closed for the evening. She read anything. Everything. Fiction, non-fiction, the encyclopedia from cover to cover. When the library had gotten an internet hook-up her junior year, it was an entrance into yet another level of bliss.

The library and school. As long as she could avoid the attention of her peers, school was heaven too. A's on every test, every paper, every report card. She would show her report cards to her mother who would glance at them and say, "That's great, Janie. I'm real proud of you. I always knew you had brains. Lord knows where you got 'em from though. I'm as dumb as a rock, and as for your daddy ... well ... the less said about him the better."

Midway through her junior year, her counselor had called her down. "You need to start thinking about college, Jane. You need to get your applications in soon." And at the startled look on Jane's face, she'd said, "You _are_ planning to go to college, aren't you?"

"I ... I'd like to go ... but ... we don't have much money ... even a state school ..."

"With your grades I'm sure you can get a scholarship. I can help you with that."

"But that would just cover tuition, wouldn't it? There's still room and board, and books."

"There are some good colleges right here in the area, Jane. I'm positive you could get a full scholarship, and if you live at home ..."

"No!" Jane was shocked at the vehemence in her own voice. "I can't live at home, Mrs. Conrad. I'll join the Navy, I'll wait tables or flip burgers to help pay my way ... but I can't live at home."

And Mrs. Conrad had looked at her for a long moment, and Jane knew she was seeing the bruises on her arms, the ones she always kept covered with long sleeved shirts. Seeing the pain in her eyes that nothing could ever hide. But she'd only smiled and said, "Ok, I'm sure we can find a way. Between grants and loans and work-study, you can probably go to any college you choose. Have you thought about what you'll want to study? What would you like to be?"

Jane opened her mouth to answer. She hadn't thought about it. She'd never let herself think about college. But what came out was, "Maybe a doctor?"

"You'd make a good one, I'm sure. But medical school is a graduate program. Let's focus on your undergrad stuff first."

Compared to life at home, college was paradise. No-one beat her. No-one abused her. She slept on a real bed and no longer showered in her underwear, for fear that Roger would walk in on her. But she was still Plain-Jane. She'd been too alone for too long. She didn't know how to talk to people, how to make friends. No boys ever asked her out and the one night she'd joined one of the dorm parties, she'd gotten drunk and sick after only two beers. Everyone had laughed at her, everyone except Dean Applegate. He'd assured her that it didn't matter, that he _liked_ a girl who couldn't hold her liquor. And then, drunk himself, he'd started pawing at her .. awakening memories of Tim and Roger .. and she'd fled back to her room, to the safety of her books and her locked door. The next morning her roommate had stopped by to grab a shower and her books for class. Ellie didn't often sleep in their room. She had a boyfriend with an apartment in town.

"What happened last night? Weren't you having fun?"

"No, I wasn't. I don't like parties."

"Hey, I saw what happened. I'm not blind. But boy, you must be. Dean is so hot, and I've heard great stuff about him ... if you know what I mean. You could do a lot worse."

"He was drunk, Ellie. He wasn't interested in me. He just wanted ..."

And Ellie had laughed. "Of course he did. Want some advice, Jane? You're a nice girl, and I like you. But being nice doesn't get you very far in this world. And neither does being smart. Guys don't care about your grades. They want a pretty face and a naked body. You're no beauty, sweetie, so if someone's interested in the bod ... don't play hard to get or you'll be sleeping alone for a long time." Ellie had laughed again and headed out to class. And Jane had whispered, "I'm 19, Ellie. I've got my whole life ahead of me."

But she wasn't 19 anymore. She was 24, and still sleeping alone. Still waiting for a guy who liked her for who she was, was interested in more than her body. Who didn't assume that being plain meant being desperate.

Taking a heavy course load and staying for summer sessions (not that she'd had a home to go back to), she had graduated in 3 years and then scraped together enough loans and grants to pay for medical school, and her tiny dorm room and enough ramen noodles to keep body and soul together for four years.

In medical school _everyone _was smart. Brains were no longer a liability, her worth was no longer measured in the number of shots she could down in an hour, or the number of guys she could screw in a weekend. But she'd been invisible for too long. She knew no other way to live. Her efforts to be bright and witty rang so false in her own ears that she knew everyone else could see through them as well. No-one was cruel to her here. Everyone was pointedly polite, or painfully professional - or they looked right through her. When she graduated and moved on to where-ever she matched, she would be forgotten. And none of it had ever really mattered to her .. until today.

Today someone else had suffered. 'No one listens to me. No-one even remembered that I was in the room.' Could she have spared that poor grandmother unnecessary grief? Could she have kept Neela was making her terrible mistake?

But she _had_ done the right thing! She'd posted the names on the board, but apparently her ink was as invisible as the rest of her. No-one had noticed, no-one had asked her about it. It_wasn't_ her fault. But could she have done more? If she'd spoken up, would they have listened this time? Would they listen next time?

She had been in school for 6 1/2 years, studying to be a doctor, so she could make a positive difference in _someone's_ life. And she'd yet to do that. Even once.

-

The smell of ozone startled her. She'd been daydreaming, her head on her open pathology text. The kettle had boiled dry, filling with room with the sharp smell of overheated metal. "Damn it!" Jane pulled the plug and anxiously examined the pot. Had she ruined it? She couldn't afford to buy herself another.


	2. Chapter 2

Luka poured himself a second cup of coffee and sat down again. He hated staff meetings. Fortunately the ER had been pretty quiet when Kerry had shepherded all the attendings and residents into the lounge for a meeting. With luck it would stay quiet while they discussed the current crop of medical students. 

Kerry flipped to the next page on her clipboard. "Ok, what about Devere?"

"She's good," Susan said promptly. "Learns quickly, good rapport with the patients."

"She's especially good with kids, I've noticed," said Pratt.

"Not surprising," said Kerry. "She wants to do pediatrics for her residency. She applied for the match here at County."

Luka grinned. "I did catch her once with her boyfriend in the on-call room ... you know."

"Well, you'd know all about that sort of thing, wouldn't you?" Susan said, matching his smile. And Luka felt his face get hot as his own smile vanished. That was _not_ a time in his life he was especially proud of. He shouldn't have brought it up. It wasn't like it had any effect on her medical abilities. He was about to remind Susan that _she _had a bit of history in that department too, boffing Chuck all over the hospital, but Kerry interrupted.

"Who's the boyfriend?"

"Med student. I think he's doing his OB rotation right now."

"Ok. As long as he's not her supervisor or an attending, and she's on a break, it's her own business. Though, if you catch her again, you might remind her that she _does_ have an apartment ... with a bed in it." Kerry sighed. "Now, let's focus on the important stuff, people. We've got another dozen med students to get through here, and, lest we forget, the interns are in charge out there."

"Could be worse," said Carter, looking at Pratt. "Could be the residents."

"The residents would kick ass," snapped Pratt good-naturedly. "Morris is off today, after all."

"Focus, people!" said Kerry again. "Ok, next one is Figler."

"Who?" Carter frowned.

"Jane," Luka supplied helpfully, but Carter just shook his head.

"Brown hair," Pratt said. "Bad perm, sorta mousy. I don't think you've worked many shifts with her."

"I guess not. I _think_ I can place her though."

"Comments?" asked Kerry.

Pratt shrugged. "She's ok."

"Competent enough," Susan added. "She's got the books down cold, but I don't think she's really cut out for the ER."

"I'd second that," Pratt said.

"Does she want the ER?" asked Carter.

"I don't know," Kerry admitted. "She didn't apply to match at County, so I'm not sure what she wants."

"Like Dr. Lewis said, she's smart," Pratt said with a grin. "She wants outta here. But I think she mentioned once wanting ER medicine."

"Wanting something doesn't mean it's necessarily a good fit," Susan said.

Pratt laughed. "Case in point, a certain Dr. Morris."

"Exactly."

"She'd probably be great in some specialty that doesn't involve interacting with patients," Pratt went on.

"Yeah, she isn't good with the patients at all. Her bedside manner isn't bad ... so much as it doesn't exist." Susan couldn't help chuckling, and Pratt and Carter joined in too.

Luka had been listening to the conversation, warming his hands around his cup. When the laughter had stopped he said quietly, "I think she could be a great ER doctor." And when everyone stared at him, he went on. "She's smart. In the ER we have to have a vast foundation of knowledge about almost every area of medicine, and the ability to call up that knowledge at a moment's notice. Jane can do that."

"You also need the initiative to jump in and use what you know. I've never seen that in Jane," Susan pointed out. "She's too shy, too quiet. It's almost like she's afraid of the patients. Not to mention the doctors."

"Come on, Susan," Luka snapped. "Have you forgotten what it was like to be a med student? The feeling that you have to sink or swim ... and you spend most of the time feeling like you're drowning? So much information being thrown at you, so much to learn, knowing you're being evaluated and critiqued every step of the way ... it's hard."

"It's hard for all the med students," Susan said, "and most of them handle it better than Jane."

"Most of them aren't ignored either. That business with the John Doe's the other day ... I think it really shook her. Did _any _of you apologize to her?" He looked around at the bowed heads. "I didn't think so." He sighed. "You're right, she has not been blessed with a sparkling personality, but she can be a really good doctor. All she needs is a little more confidence ... a little more encouragement from the staff ...and maybe for someone to take an interest in her."

"And that 'someone' would be ... you?" Susan asked.

Luka shrugged. "Sure. I don't mind."

"Well, if anyone can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, you're the one, Luka."

"Make a what?"

Susan just shook her head. "Nothing."

Then Carter grinned and straightened up from where he'd been slumped in his seat. "Ah yes, 'enry 'iggins," he said, in an excruciating imitation of a cockney accent. "I'll wager you a thousand pounds that you can't take this flower girl and turn 'er into a duchess in two weeks time."

And the entire room dissolved into laughter again, while Luka could only shake his head. "What?"

"Never mind, Luka," Susan said, wiping her eyes. "See what you can do with her. You're right, she has potential, and if she really wants the ER, we should do everything we can to help her. County isn't the only hospital having a hard time finding and keeping good docs in the ER." She turned to Kerry. "Ok, Kerry, who's next on the list."

"Gonzalez"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Luka _didn't_ mind. He liked teaching. He never used to really enjoy it, but lately he was finding it a real pleasure. Teaching students how to save lives was even more satisfying at times than saving them himself. But still, he would have to tread carefully. If he just jumped in and started playing cheerleader, Jane would be sure to suspect something, and probably resent it. Remedial med school was _not _what she needed. But she definitely needed something.

Luka spotted Jane in one of the open curtain areas, suturing a patient's leg. Usually doctors chatted with the patients while suturing, to take the patients mind off what was happening and to just lighten the atmosphere, make the time go faster. But Jane sat hunched over and silent, biting her lip. She was a fourth year, just months from graduation; she must have sutured 100 patients before today. It obviously _wasn't _uncertainty about the procedure that was making her so tense, so nervous. It was something deeper than that. Jane always seemed to Luka to be ... isolated. No matter how busy the ER, how much chaos flared around her, she always seemed to be insulated from it all, trapped in a bubble she couldn't find her way out of.

And Luka knew a little bit how she felt. He remembered his own early days at County. He had been shy, uncertain, still not 100 comfortable with the language. As a moonlighter he never felt part of the ER staff, never felt like he quite belonged. If it hadn't been for Carol he might not have stuck around, he might have just moved on again when winter came. He had hoped that _something _might have happened between him and Carol ... a relationship. He had seen in her, and her babies, the family he had lost.The relationship had never really happened, but she had been something, he realized now, even more valuable. She'd been a friend. He could talk to her, even lean on her a little bit while he found his feet, found his place at County.

Still, as difficult as things had been for him, he knew he had a huge advantage over Jane. He may have been just as shy, just as unsure of himself, but it didn't really show. He was already an experienced physician when he came to County. His abilities were never in question, and he knew how to hide his uncertainty under a mask of bravado and a quick smile.

And, of course, there was something else. He had always been able to grab, and hold, people's attention. Maybe it was his height, maybe the accent, so exotic to American ears. Maybe it was his appearance; he knew others thought him attractive, though he'd never given much thought to that himself. Whatever it was, Jane didn't have that advantage.

A voice at his elbow startled him from his thoughts. "Can you sign off on these, Luka?" Abby handed him a stack of charts. "Nothing too bizarre. Two cases of the flu, sent home for rest and fluids; an otitis media, I prescribed a Z-pak; and a second degree burn."

Luka glanced through the charts and started to sign them, but he was still keeping one eye on Jane.

"What?" Abby asked, obviously aware that his attention was elsewhere.

"You've supervised Jane, haven't you?"

"A few times, yeah. She mostly works with Neela."

"What's your impression of her?"

Abby shrugged and gathered up her charts. "Doesn't exactly light up the room .. but she's capable enough. Seems to like suturing, I've noticed." Abby walked off and Luka spent a moment looking through the dozen or so charts in the rack. Selecting two of them, he walked over to where Jane was working.

After a minute, Jane looked up at him anxiously. "Something the matter, Dr. Kovac?"

"No, not at all. That's really nice work, Jane. Dr. Lockhart was just telling me that you have a knack for suturing and she's right."

"It's not hard."

"Which is the whole point. Not everyone finds it easy. You have careful, precise hands. There won't be much of a scar there at all." This last was directed to the patient, who was flipping through a magazine, and she nodded at him and smiled. But more importantly, a flush of color crept over Jane's pale cheeks and he saw a hint of a smile around the edge of her mouth.

Just then Jerry poked his head around the curtain. "Phone call for you on line 3, Dr. Kovac. It's Sam."

"Excuse me a minute, Jane," Luka said, and picked up the wall phone. "Hi, Sam. What's up?"

Sam got right to the point. "Did you write Alex's science paper for him?"

"I helped him with the research. Why?"

"I got a call from his teacher. She said it was obviously written by an adult ... probably a doctor."

"Could've been a nurse," Luka said, trying not to snap.

"You're the one who was working with him!"

"Why is this so important?"

"Because he failed the assignment. Miss Toland said he clearly didn't do the work himself."

Luka sighed, rubbed his hand over his forehead. "Can we discuss this at home, Sam? I _am _at work right now."

"I know you want Alex to like you but ..."

"I said we'll discuss it later! I have to go." Luka hung up the phone and stood for a moment facing the wall. Then he turned back to Jane, who was finishing the last suture. She looked at him, obviously seeking his approval. He just nodded at her and smiled.

She smiled back at him, a bit hesitantly, then turned to her patient. "Ok, Beth, I'll have the nurse bring you after-care instructions. Be sure to come back in 3 days for a wound check, and then a week later to have the sutures removed." She stepped away from the patient and said, "Where's Dr. Pratt? He's supposed to be supervising me today."

"He's busy. An MI, I think. Do you mind working with me for the rest of the day?"

"No, not at all." The color in her cheeks deepened a little.

"Good. I noticed this chart in the rack, thought it might be a good one for you. A deep finger laceration."

"Aren't those tricky? The extensor tendon ... doesn't it need a hand surgeon?"

"I'll show you how to determine if the tendon's damaged. If it isn't, your light touch will be perfect for the necessary repair. Just remember Jane, to talk to the patients while you're working. It helps put them at ease."

"I can never think of anything to say."

"Ask them questions. They'll be happy to do most of the talking."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

For the rest of the week, Luka kept a close eye on Jane. He gave her every procedure he thought her capable of handling, and made sure she got to observe every interesting or unusual case that came through the doors.

_"Good Jane . now slowly start the suction .. nice . " "Ok ... head's out now, oh, what a nice big cry ... be sure to support the body as we get one more push from mom ..." "Listen carefully Jane. Do you hear the murmur? What kind is it?" "Core temp is 92.2. What's the best method for rewarming? Right. Want to give it a try?"_

And he was delighted to find that his project was succeeding. Her confidence increased daily. She smiled more, talked more, seemed to be thriving under his attention, evolving into the doctor he knew she was meant to be.


	3. Chapter 3

Jane opened her eyes and immediately registered that something was different. The room was light. It was usually dark when she got up in the morning these days. She looked at the clock. 7:10. 

"Damn!" She was late. She had forgotten to set the alarm, and too many busy days and too many late nights studying had finally caught up with her.

Jumping out of bed, Jane pulled on her clothes, ran a quick brush through her hair and, putting on her coat and mittens as she ran, was out the door by 7:13 and hurrying down the snowy sidewalk

For the first time since starting her med students rotations last year, Jane looked forward to going in to work. She hated being late. She didn't want to miss a single minute of her ER rotation and, more important, she didn't want to disappoint Dr. Kovac.

Dr. Kovac. Jane smiled to herself. He had made all the difference. She could see his smile, feel the touch of his hand against hers as he guided her in some new procedure. She could hear his voice, 'That's it Jane ... excellent ... " and then the smile again, which she could never help but return.

How could her life have changed so much in one short week? A week ago she'd been just Invisible Jane. Unnoticed, barely tolerated by whichever resident or intern had the bad luck to get stuck with her that day.

But suddenly, Dr. Kovac had taken an interest in her. The first day she'd thought it was a fluke, just some long overdue good luck. Dr. Pratt was busy, he'd told her, she would work with him. But the next day it had happened again, and the next.

He was just teaching her, of course. She was a promising medical student and he was trying to help. That was all. He'd never been anything but professional with her, never asked her about her personal life or talked to her about his. But she could dream ... dream big. She_ knew _she wasn't imagining it that his smiles were warmer, his eyes brighter when he spoke to her than to anyone else. And everyone in the ER knew that things were not going well between him and Sam. When they worked together on a case the tension in the room was obvious. And then he would look at her, and smile, and relax again.

Realization struck her suddenly, dizzying. Of course he was professional with her. He was her supervisor. As long as she was on her ER rotation he couldn't be anything more to her than a teacher, a mentor. The rules on that subject were very clear. But in another two weeks her rotation would be finished. She would move onto neurology, and Luka would no longer be her supervisor. Then things would change. Their relationship would change. Why hadn't she thought of it before? Suddenly Jane was counting the days until the end of her rotation. She wanted_out_ of the ER, so she ... and Luka ... would be free to move onto something better for both of them. He was much older than her, she knew that. But Sam was only a year or two older than she was. And Abby ... she'd heard the rumors that _they _had dated a few years back. Abby was only a year older than she was, an intern. Luka liked younger women. And he liked her. It was hard to believe, but he obviously liked her.

Jane was snapped from her thoughts by the feel of her foot against a slick patch on the curb. She skidded awkwardly and a moment later was sprawled on the pavement.

She lay for a moment getting her breath back, then got slow to her knees, wincing, and then to her feet. "Fall to outstretched hand..." How many of those had she seen on her ER rotation so far? As often as not it meant a sprained or broken wrist. But no, her wrists were a bit sore, but not sprained and certainly not broken. Her mittens had protected her hands from the rough blacktop. But ... damn it ... the left knee of her jeans was ripped open. Jane folded the torn flap of fabric over and looked at it. She was good with suturing skin, but she'd never sewn denim before. She would have to learn. She couldn't go to work with torn pants, and she only had one other pair.

Limping slightly, Jane hurried as best she couldthe last 50 yards across the ambulance bay and into the warmth of the ER.

The other medical students were already gathered at admit for their morning meeting. 7:25. Pulling off her coat and mittens, Jane quickly joined them. Dr. Pratt was there, describing some interesting case from the night shift, and Dr. Kovac was there too.

"You're late, Jane," Dr. Pratt said, and, at the same moment, Dr. Kovac said, "We were worried, Jane."

Jane addressed her answer to Luka. "I overslept. I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

"It happens," Luka said with a smile. And a glare from Dr. Pratt as he continued describing the SSRI overdose and how it was treated. Jane tried to listen, it _was_ interesting, but a moment later Luka interrupted again. "You're bleeding!"

Jane was startled. "What?"

"Your knees."

She looked down. She hadn't even noticed that she'd skinned both knees, her concern had been for her pants. But the fabric was now not only torn, but bloodstained, and the stains were spreading. She shook her head. "It's nothing. I'm ok. I slipped on some ice."

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"Just skinned my knees. They're fine." Jane couldn't tell him that she was more worried about the pants than the knees.

"Well, go get cleaned up, and grab yourself some scrub pants from the storage room."

"But the meeting..."

"I'll fill you in later." Another one of his warm smiles, and again, Jane found herself smiling back through her pain and worry.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The morning flew by, with Dr. Kovac seeing that every new chart and ambulance arrival provided Jane with a new diagnosis to observe, a new skill to learn, or, at minimum, at old one to practice. Carbon monoxide poisoning, kidney stones, fractured ribs and shattered ankles. A baby with possible meningitis; Dr.Kovac let her do the LP, she'd done them on adults before, but never on a such a tiny patient.

At around 1 the morning flood of patients had slowed to a trickle. "Why don't you go grab some lunch, Jane?"

"I'm not really hungry, yet," Jane said.

"It's slow. Haven't you learned yet to take advantage of slow times to take care of yourself? I need to catch up on my charting. By the time you get back there should be some new patients for you."

"Ok," Jane agreed reluctantly, and headed for the elevators. She would spend 15 or 20 minutes walking the halls, sitting in the bathroom, riding the elevators. She couldn't tell him that she had no money for lunch. With her grocery budget at a tight 10 dollars a week, cafeteria meals were out of the question. Her first few weeks on rotations she had brought peanut butter and crackers, or an apple for lunch. But she'd quickly found that packing a lunch, especially such a scanty one, was even more noticeable, and embarrassing, than simply going without. Her supervisors rarely noticed that she hadn't taken a lunch break, or, if they insisted, she would simply leave the department for a while. It wasn't as if anyone ever offered to eat with her.

After 20 minutes, Jane returned to the ER. Her stomach was tight with hunger, but she was used to that. She was eager to get back to work, eager to spend more time with Luka. She found him in exam 2. He greeted her with his usual smile.

"That was fast," he said.

Jane shrugged. "No lines."

"Well, I'm glad you're back. This is Raul Fernandez, 8 years old. Exertional dyspnea and swelling in his wrists and ankles. Neither he nor his mother speaks much English. Your Spanish is pretty good so why don't you finish the HP. I need to check on a few patients. When I come back you can give me your assessment."

"Ok." Jane turned to her patient. "Hola Raul. Me llamo Jane."

Raul gave her a hesitant smile.

"No te estas sintiendo tan bien?" The little boy pouted and shook his head."Bueno, voy a tener una mirada en sus munecas y tobillos. Lo prometo que no lastimara,"

Raul nodded again and she began to examine him, carefully explaining in her 'pretty good' Spanish, what she was doing. But Raul giggled now at some of her questions, and Jane knew she was stumbling over some of her words ... she suddenly couldn't seem to remember the grammar. Her ears buzzed and whistled, making it hard to hear through her stethoscope. And what she did hear puzzled her.

About 10 minutes later Dr. Kovac returned. "So, Jane, what do we have here?"

"Eight year old boy, arrived with his family from Ecuador in September. Five day history of dyspnea and arthralgia. His mother brought him in for a sore throat 3 weeks ago, his chart shows that he was prescribed amoxicillan for a strep infection. She says he had frequent sore throats in Ecuador."

"Good. Physical assessment?"

"Ummm... low fever, 100.3, satting at 98. Resps ..." She suddenly couldn't remember the vitals. She hadn't written them down. Numbly she plunged on. "Lungs are clear, I think I heard a regurge murmur ... not sure though." Jane trailed off. The whistling in her ears was back. Dr.Kovac was asking her something, but she couldn't hear him. "What?"

"Listen to his heart again."

"I ..." How could she tell him that she couldn't hear well enough? That there were spots and flashes of light before her eyes? She had to tell him something. He was looking at her, talking to her. A moment of pain in her sore knees as they buckled, and everything was black.


	4. Chapter 4

"Jane!" The familiar voice came through the ringing in her ears and the fog in her brain. She opened her eyes. She was lying on the floor. Luka looked down at her, worry in his eyes. Why was she on the floor? 

She started to sit up, but Luka said quickly, "No, stay where you are for a minute." He started to shine his penlight in her eyes, but Jane looked away and shut her eyes.

"I'm fine, Dr. Kovac."

"You fainted, Jane. I assume that _isn't _something normal for you?" Jane shook her head. "Then you're not fine." Slipping his arms under her knees and shoulders, Luka lifted her easily and set her down on the exam table.

"Where ... where's Raul?" More important, how long had she been unconscious? Surely no more than a few seconds.

"I moved them to a different room. You needed the bed more than he did."

"No, I'm fine. Really." She wanted attention from Dr. Kovac, but not like this. This was just ... embarassing.

"Did you hit your head?"

"What? No ... I don't think so. You saw me fall."

"I don't mean now. I caught you before you hit the floor. When you fell this morning, outside,did you hit your head?"

"No, I fell on my hands and knees."

Luka was listening to her heart. "Any pain anywhere?"

"Just my knees." Jane sighed. "Look ... it's nothing. I was running late this morning. I skipped breakfast. Sometimes I get dizzy when I do that."

Luka frowned. "But you had lunch ..." And Jane felt a rush of heat in her cheeks, looked away from him. What could she say? She didn't have to say anything. He knew. "I sent you out to get lunch, Jane. Why didn't you eat?"

"I didn't have any money. I was in such a rush this morning ..."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"It didn't seem important. I figured I'd eat when I got home."

"You did have dinner last night, right?"

"Yes."

"What did you have?" He wasn't stupid. He could guess what was going on. There was no point in lying.

"A peanut butter sandwich."

"And ..."

"Some grapes."

"And ..."

Jane could only shake her head again. That was her usual dinner these days. Toast or cereal for breakfast, peanut butter or ramen noodles for dinner. No lunch.

Luka sighed. "Ok. Let's get you a lunch tray, and you'll rest in here for a little while."

"No," Jane said quickly. "That isn't necessary. I feel much better." She bit her lip. "It's ... embarrassing, Dr. Kovac ..." she added softly.

"Ok." The warm smile made her feel a little better. He poked his head out through the door. "Chuny, could you bring Jane a cup of orange juice?" Jane heard Chuny say yes, then Luka turned back to her. "You'll drink it, and then we'll go get you something to eat."

"No ..." Jane said again. "Really ..."

"Jane, you can't do your job if you're fainting from hunger. You have patients depending on you. And I haven't had lunch yet either. Sam's off today, so if you don't keep me company, I'll be eating alone, which I hate."

Jane knew he was lying. Any of the doctors or nurses would be thrilled to eat with him. But she couldn't turn down the chance either.

Chuny had returned with the juice. Jane drank it down slowly, and then Luka helped her to sit up.

"Feel strong enough to walk?"

"Yeah, I'm fine now." Still, she appreciated Luka's hand on her arm and back as he helped her down from the table, and supported her until they were both sure she was steady on her feet.

"Get your coat," he told her. "I'll get mine and meet you at the desk."

"My coat? Aren't we going to the cafeteria?"

A grin. "I trust you've never actually eaten there?" And Jane shook her head. "If you had, you wouldn't be asking that question. No, we'll go across the street to Ike's. Unless you think you can't walk so far?"

"I can walk." Then Jane suddenly remembered. "What about Raul? He can't wait for us to eat."

"Another doctor will look after him."

Jane was waiting at the desk when Luka came out of the doctor's lounge. "All ready?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Jerry, I'm taking a lunch break. I'll be about an hour."

They walked side by side until they were through the ambulance bay doors, then once again his hands were holding her arm and supporting her back as she walked. Jane was grateful for the support, and grateful for the touch of his hands. She looked up at him, and he smiled at her.

Suddenly, over her shoulder, Jane saw a familiar form coming down the steps from the el platform. Sam. Sam saw her too, and even from this distance, Jane saw the shock on her face. For an instant their eyes met, then Sam turned on her heel and hurried back up the stairs. There must have been shock in her own face too, because when she looked at Luka again, he was looking at _her_, with concern in his eyes again.

"You doing ok?" he asked.

"Yeah, I feel fine. The orange juice helped a lot." All the same, she was glad when the short journey was over and Luka opened the door to the restaurant.

She had never been here before. She knew the other med students and residents sometime came here after work for drinks, but they had never invited her. Not that she could have accepted, of course. It was warm and rather dark. Romantic, she thought, though surely that wasn't what Luka had had in mind.

The waitress showed them to a table and Jane opened her menu.

Luka was buying. That had been unsaid, but obvious. Still, she didn't want to put him to any real expense. It wouldn't be right. Not yet. And anything on the menu would be a treat after months of peanut butter and noodles. She scanned the menu, looking for the least expensive items.

Maybe pancakes. The menu said they served breakfast all day, and pancakes were cheap and filling, and something she couldn't easily make for herself in her microwave and electric kettle. She glanced up at Luka. He was looking at her again, with an expression she couldn't quite read.

"What looks good to you, Jane?" he asked after a minute.

"I like pancakes."

"Not much protein there," Luka said. "Do you like chili?"

The question startled her. "Yes, but pancakes are really enough for me. Or maybe a burger."

"They make really good chili here. You'll love it." Luka winked at her, then closed his menu and turned to the waitress. "I'll have a club sandwich and a coke. The lady will have a large bowl of chili, a salad and a large milk."

"What kind of dressing, miss?"

"Ummm... french ..." It was the first thing to pop into her head. How long had it been since she'd had a salad?

When the waitress had gone, she said sincerely, "Thank you, Dr. Kovac." She knew this should be making her uncomfortable, the way he was taking care of her. She _wasn't _a child. But to her surprise she found herself liking it. For so long she'd been taking care of other people, taking care of her patients. How long had it been since anyone had taken care of her ... even cared about her? It was a nice feeling.

"My pleasure." He smiled again, then said gently, "I guess things are pretty tight for you right now?" It wasn't really a question.

Jane hesitated. He didn't really need to hear all her problems. He'd only feel sorry for her, and that was something she_ didn't_ want. Then she sighed. If they were going to be together, she needed to be honest with him. A relationship based on lies was worthless; he deserved to know what he was getting into.

"Med school's expensive, you know that. I took out a lot of loans, but the money's about gone. There isn't much left for groceries these days." She managed a smile. "But it won't be for much longer. I'll be graduating in 3 months, and once I'm a resident I'll be earning money."

"Still, if you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of your patients. You need to be eating more, and eating better."

"It's not like I have much choice, Dr. Kovac. I have less than 1000 dollars left. My room is paid through the end of the school year, but I'll still need to get myself to where-ever I match, pay a deposit on an apartment and live until my first check comes in."

"There's nobody who can help you out a little? Your parents?"

Jane shook her head and took a sip of her milk. "No. I'm doing this on my own."

Luka just nodded, seeming to sense that this was an uncomfortable subject. "Where did you apply for your residency? Dr. Weaver said you didn't apply to County."

"University of Georgia Medical Center, Hays Community Hospital in Kansas, and St. Anne's in Boston. "

"That's quite a range."

Jane shrugged. "It's where the darts hit."

"What?"

A smile. "I threw darts at the list of hospitals. Picked whichever ones they hit. I figured it didn't really matter where I ended up. I hit a hospital in Hilo too, but Greyhound doesn't go to Hawaii."

And suddenly a thought struck her. It _hadn't _mattered. Until this week, there had been nothing to keep her at County, keep her in Chicago. It had been just another miserable chapter in her life. But now everything was changed. And it was too late. Or maybe not. Luka was a wonderful doctor. Surely he could find work anywhere ... he might come with her. Even to Kansas.

Luka's voice interrupted her thoughts. "That's one way to do it, I guess. I've heard good things about St. Anne's. Boston's a nice city too."

"Where did you do your residency?" Jane asked, eager to move the subject away from herself again.

"Back home in Croatia. Mostly in a small city called Vukovar."

"I've heard of that. It was mostly destroyed during the war, wasn't it? Were you there before the war or after?"

"Before ... and during," Luka said quietly. He stirred his coke with the straw.

"Oh!" Jane said. "That must've been ..." She trailed off. What had she been about to say? Exciting? Scary? What _was_ it like to practice medicine in the middle of a war? "It must have been really challenging," she finally finished lamely. "I'll bet you learned stuff you might have never had a chance to learn anywhere else."

"That's true," Luka said. "I suppose I did. I'm surprised you've heard of Vukovar. Few people in America have, and you must have been ... what ... about 10 at the time?"

"I read a book about it," Jane explained. "When I was in high school. I used to read a lot."

"But not any more?"

"No time to read. Unless you count school books, but you must know that. Or was medical school different in Croatia?"

"It was no different, at least not that way," Luka said.

"Were you a good student?"

"Just fair. I was good at the clinical part, and loved it. The books were more of a challenge for me."

"The opposite of me," Jane said softly.

"You're doing really well, Jane," Luka said. "You gain more confidence every day. Just a little more time and practice, and you're going to really shine. I'm sure of it."

At that moment Jane's food arrived, and she was spared having to make a reply to that.

For a few minutes both of them ate in silence. Jane had never tasted anything so delicious.

After a bit Luka spoke again. "Where are you from, Jane?"

"Quad Cities. The Iowa side of the river."

"That's not so far away. Do you get home pretty often?"

"No. Haven't been back since I started college. I don't even think of it as 'home' anymore. I last heard from my mother just about the time I started medical school."

"What about your father?"

"I don't even remember him. He left when I was 3. Then my mom subjected me to a string of 4 stepfathers in 15 years, not one of whom I ever hope to see again. It was never 'home', Dr. Kovac. It was just where I lived ... where I grew up."

"Sounds like you had it rough," Luka said gently. Jane just nodded, concentrated on her chili.

"What about you?" she asked after a minute. "Do you have family in the States?"

"Besides Sam and Alex, you mean?"

Jane was startled. "I didn't think you were married." Surely he wasn't married ... no ring.

"I'm not. But I still think of them as my family, I guess." Luka looked away for a moment, then went on. "But no, there's no other family here except some distant cousins. In Croatia my father is still alive, and I have a brother."

"No ex-wife?" It was a joke, of course, though Jane _was _curious. It seemed amazing to her that a man as attractive and successful as Luka wasn't married. Perhaps he had been once, and the experience had scared him away from rushing into marriage again.

A brief smile from Luka, which wasn't sufficient to cover the sudden pain in his eyes. "I was married in Croatia. They died in the war. My wife, two young children."

"Oh ..." Damn it. She'd done it again. Tried to be witty and clever, and had put her foot in her mouth. Made a fool of herself. Maybe ruined everything. "I ... I'm sorry, Dr. Kovac. I didn't know. If I'd known ..."

"But you didn't. It's ok. It was a long time ago." He smiled again.

But God .. she'd been feeling sorry for herself, thinking _she'd _had things hard. But Luka had been through so much worse, so much more. He'd lived through a war, lost his family, maybe his home. Seen more tragedy that she would probably ever know.

She had finished her meal. "Ready to head back to work?" Luka asked her.

"Yes. Thank you again. It was a great lunch. But please don't worry about me. Most of the time I_ do _get enough to eat, even if it isn't always especially varied or healthy. I'm doing ok."

"I know you are." Luka signaled the waitress for the check and Jane cast about for another subject of conversation, since the last one had been such a train wreck.

"It's rheumatic fever, isn't it?"

"What?" asked Luka.

"Raul. The little boy I examined."

"Probably. Symptoms and history fit, though we'll need to check his labs to be sure. I hope Dr. Nicholls ordered some labs while we've been eating."

"I didn't think kids got that any more."

"They usually don't, but we see cases from time to time, especially in poor and immigrant populations. That's why I wanted you to examine him. It's not something most med students get a chance to see."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Back in the ER, the rest of the day flew by. Little Raul was admitted to peds with a diagnosis of rheumatic fever, and Jane saw more patients, learned more procedures. Unstable angina, a chest tube - her first, bleeding ulcers, broken bones to set.

The day was over too soon. As Jane headed to her locker for her coat, Luka said, "Will I see you tomorrow, Jane?"

"No, I don't work tomorrow. I have classes all day. I'll be in Wednesday though."

"Good. I will be too. I'll see you then." Another warm smile and he vanished into the lounge.

Jane walked ... no ... floated towards the exit doors. Nobody invited her to walk with them, nobody else said good-bye, but it didn't matter. As she walked through the bay she heard one of the residents say, "Hey, who's that? New med student?" And then Pratt's voice, laughing. "New? Hell no. That's Jane." And more laughter. "Jane? No _way_!"

Jane couldn't help laughing herself at the exchange. Surely they all at least _recognized _her by now, even if they didn't give a damn about her.

But in her room, Jane glanced in the mirror above her dresser and could only stare at her reflection in wonder. She _had_ changed. There was color in her cheeks, her eyes were bright; a the face in the mirror was smiling. The face in the mirror was - almost - pretty.

Of course she looked different, she told herself. She'd had a good lunch for the first time in months. That would put color in her face, light in her eyes. But no, it was something more than that. She was in love. And more important, someone else loved her. Still walking on air, Jane put water on for ramen noodles and opened her books to study.


	5. Chapter 5

Dr Kovac breezed into the room. "Ready to present, Jane?"

Jane nodded. "Richard Mullins, age 34; restrained driver in a single vehicle MVA. Alert and oriented. Vitals all normal; pulse 78, bp 134 over 80, resps 12, satting at 99. C-spine is clear, denies pain in abdomen, chest and neck. Chest is clear,abdomen soft and nontender. Only apparent injury is a 4 centimeter forehead lac. Neuro check is normal and pupils are equal, round and reactive. But the paramedics said that he vomited in the rig."

Luka smiled. "Excellent. What are your recommendations?"

"The nausea might indicate head trauma, so I think a CT would be wise. If that's clear, we can just suture the lac. I already called up to CT. They can take him whenever we're ready."

"Sounds good," Luka said. Jane knew he was complimenting not only the diagnosis, but that she'd trusted her own judgment enough to do what was necessary and call radiology without waiting to clear it with him first.

"I can take him up now."

"No, there's another patient I want to show you. Sam, can you take Mr. Mullins up to radiology?"

Sam looked up from her work cleaning some small abrasions on Mr. Mullins' hands. "It's what I live for, Dr. Kovac." She stripped off her gloves and shot Jane a look. And Jane gazed back at her steadily … defiantly. Whatever the problems were between Sam and Luka, they had clearly begun long before _she_ had entered the picture, and it wasn't like she had done anything wrong.

After a long moment, Sam looked away. "Come on, Mr. Mullins. Let's get you upstairs."

When Sam and Mr. Mullins had left, Jane took off her own gloves. "Who's the patient?"

"She's in trauma 1. She's Dr. Lewis's patient, but I thought you'd like to see her as well. Another MVA, possible cord trauma."

"Another MVA?" Jane had to chuckle, though it really wasn't funny. "That's what … the fifth one so far today? You'd think Chicagoans would know how to drive in the snow. It's not like they never get any."

Luka shrugged. "Summer is worse. When it's hot out we get 5 GSWs in a typical morning, and the odd drowning or two. I prefer winter."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jane and Luka watched silently as the trauma surgeon took the patient up to the OR.

"Do you think they'll be able to help her?" Jane asked.

"I don't know," Luka said quietly. "Dr. Omari is a good neurosurgeon, one of the best in the city, but there's only so much we can do for this kind of injury."

Jane could still hear, in her memory, the woman's sobs. She was so young and pretty … her whole life ahead of her. "I don't want to be paralyzed … why can't I move my legs?"

"How long does it take before you get used to it?"Jane asked after a minute.

"Get used to what?"

Jane shook her head. "I think I'm going to love being a doctor … being able to help people in trouble. But all the patients we _can't_ help. How long is it before I get used to those ones? When do you stop hating that … helpless feeling?"

"You don't. If you're a good doctor, and you _are_ going to be a good one, you never get used to it. If you do, it means you've stopped caring, and you never want to stop caring. But remember, Jane, there is always _something_ you can do. You're never really helpless. The trick is, sometimes, to find that 'something.' Sometimes it's just a matter of comforting a frightened patient, or breaking bad news to the family member in the best way you can. And sometimes that has to be enough."

Jerry called to them from the desk. "Jane, CT called. Mr. Mullins' scan was clear. Sam will be bringing him back down in a minute."

"That's good." Jane sighed. At least he was a patient she could really help. A few sutures, a taxi voucher, and he'd be on his way, almost as good as new.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mr. Mullins had been discharged, and Jane was struggling her way through a long string of dull, minor cases. Every day up until now Luka had managed to keep her occupied with interesting and exciting patients. Every hour had brought a new skill to master, a new diagnosis to observe. But suddenly it had all dried up. The best he could offer her were sore throats and chicken pox, sprained ankles and minor lacerations. Of course the attendings were just as bored as she was, and she tried to keep in mind Luka's words the first day he'd supervised her. 'All your patients are important, Jane. They are here because they need our help. However, uninteresting their problems may appear to _you_, they are very important to the patients, and every patient deserves the best care you can provide.'

Jane went to the desk to find Luka and have him sign off on her last chart. He took it from her and glanced over it. "Looks good," he said, and graced her with another of his smiles.

Haleh turned quickly from the radio. "Dr. Kovac, six car pile-up on the Kennedy. How many can we take?"

"Three majors, 10 minors," Luka said promptly, then added, under his breath to Jane, "Which means they'll send us six majors and 20 minors." Then, more loudly, "What's the ETA?"

"About 3 minutes until the first rigs arrive."

Jane felt a thrill of excitement. There hadn't been a big multi-victim trauma in all the time she'd been working in the ER. _This _was what emergency medicine was supposed to be, not chicken pox and the flu. She glanced up at Luka, but he looked grim; grim but in control. "Let's get ready, people. Sam, Chuny, make sure both trauma rooms are ready. Haleh, Dr. Pratt, move or dispo everyone who's in the exam rooms. Jerry, page Dr. Lewis, I think she's at lunch.

Everyone scurried off to do as they were told. "What about me, Dr. Kovac?" asked Jane.

"You're with me for now."

Already they could hear the first sirens pulling into the ambulance bay and, a minute later, the doors flew open. A young boy on a gurney, his face hidden behind an oxygen mask; a woman, her face covered with blood, walking beside him. "Help him … please!" she sobbed.

"Anthony Whaley," the paramedic said, "Eight years old. Unrestrained rear-seat passenger. Head vs. windshield. Unresponsive, GCS 4. Sarah Whaley, 30 years old, restrained driver, denies injury, refused treatment on scene. Dad's in the next rig."

"Ok, Trauma 1," Luka said briskly. "Morris, take Mrs. Whaley to sutures, check her over. Pratt, wait for the next rig." And, to the paramedic. "How many more?"

"There were eight ambulances at the scene. This kid was about the worst, but some others are pretty bad." His voice dropped. "A snow day from school and parents think it's the perfect day to take their kids out for a drive on the highway …."

Mrs. Whaley looked back over her shoulder as Morris was trying to guide her firmly to sutures. "Please… let me stay with him!"

"Dr. Kovac needs to be able to work," Morris said, "and I need to check you for injuries. As soon as you're both stable, I'll bring you in to see him."

The next half hour was a whirl of activity. Luka flew from room to room as more and more ambulances arrived, and Luka's guess was proved right. Dozens of patients, and only a handful could be considered 'minors.' Jane followed eagerly, but if she'd hoped to gain new skills, she was disappointed. Luka had her start IVs, draw labs, and do other simple things she'd already done a thousand times. Of course, with so many victims to care for, there just wasn't time for more. He couldn't take the time to teach, to let her try new things, or even to explain.

Exam 4. Jane followed Luka into the room. Another young victim. Jane's heart sank a little. Not only did she find it hard to see kids in pain, she just wasn't very good with them. Maybe because she'd never really had a childhood herself, she found it hard to talk to kids, hard to relate to them.

Haleh was there. "Meet Summer Clearlake," she said. "Six years old. "Vitals are stable."

Summer was crying. "Where's Mommy?"

"Dad's in the OR," Haleh said softly. "Mom's been called, but she's driving in from Elgin. It may be a while."

"Mommy will be here soon," Luka said gently to Summer. "I'm Dr. Kovac and this is Jane. Can you tell me where it hurts?"

"It just hurts a little … here …" Summer pointed to her side.

"I'm going to lift up your shirt and take a look," Luka said. He lifted the shirt and Jane saw some bruising along her ribs. "Were you in a booster seat, sweetie?"

"No, but I always wear my seatbelt."

"Good for you. You're a really smart girl to do that." He listened briefly to Summer's chest. "Chest is clear, good breath sounds bilaterally," he told Jane. "Could be a rib fracture from the shoulder harness." Then, to Summer, "Does your tummy hurt?"

"No … but I got blood all over my new coat, and my shirt. Mommy's gunna be mad. I just gotthe shirtfor Christmas."

"It's a very pretty shirt," Luka said. "I like Bob the Builder too. I'm sure Mommy won't be mad. She'll just be glad that you're ok."

Jane felt a little jealous, listening to him. He was so good at putting little kids at ease. She hadn't even noticed the shirt, just the blood from several cuts on Summer's face and hands.

Just then the door opened and Sam poked her head in. "Dr. Kovac, the lady in Trauma two is crashing."

"Where's Susan?"

"With an unstable patient in radiology."

Luka hesitated for just a moment. "I'll be right there." Jane started to remove her gloves, but he went on. "Jane, you stay here with Summer. Call radiology to see about getting an x-ray for her ribs, and you can start cleaning and suturing the lacs." A quick, encouraging smile; the first she'd had from him since the first victim had rolled in, and Luka followed Sam out the door.

The room suddenly seemed very quiet. Summer was still crying a little bit. Jane knew she should be proud and pleased that Luka trusted her enough to leave her alone with a trauma patient, even one with such minor injuries. But she _wasn't_ good with kids. When the parent was in the room she managed ok, but what to say to this child?

"Don't worry about a thing, Summer," Jane finally said. "My name is Jane, and I'm going to take good care of you."

"I want to see Daddy."

"Other doctors are taking care of your daddy. You'll be able to see him as soon as you're both feeling a little better."

Jane quickly called radiology, and was told that it would be a while before they could take Summer. There were other patients far worse off. She started to gather her suturing supplies together. "It's really good that you were wearing your seatbelt, Summer," she told her. "It helped keep you safe."

"Daddy always makes me wear it. He says the car won't go unless I buckle up." She giggled a little. "I know he's just kidding though." Then the giggles stopped. "He wasn't wearing his … he was hurt so bad … I could tell. The ambulance people looked so worried … they were doing all kinds of stuff to him. I kept asking them what they were doing, but they wouldn't tell me."

"I'm sure he'll be just fine," Jane said gently. "There are a lot of really good doctors here."

"Are _you_ a really good doctor?"

"Of course I am." Jane smiled at her. "Now, this is going to sting just a little. You can yell if you want to."

Jane started to inject the lidocaine, and Summer yelled out "Ouch!" and then giggled again.

"All done," Jane said. "That will keep it from hurting when I sew up your cut. She started to daub at the more minor cuts with disinfectant and Summer's giggles turned again to whimpers. "Does that hurt?"

"Feel funny …"

"Funny how?" Jane dropped the gauze. Summer looked very pale suddenly. She wasn't hooked up to a monitor, not even a pulse ox. There was a hep-lock, but no IV. The child had been fine a moment before. A reaction to the lidocaine? Rare, Jane knew, but not unheard of. Jane quickly pulled out her stethoscope to listen to Summer's chest. "Take a big breath for me, Summer."

"Can't …" Of course, if her ribs were fractured it would hard to take a deep breath. But her heartbeat was much too rapid now. Something was going wrong, but what? There were no breath sounds on the left. Luka had said her chest was clear? Had he missed it? Or had something changed? Summer looked scared now; it was clearly getting harder to breathe.

"I need to find a nurse. I'll be right back," Jane said.

"Scared …" Summer gasped.

"I know, sweetie. I won't go anywhere, just to the door." Jane managed a reassuring smile through her own worry, and ran to the exam room door. Sam was just passing by, her arms loaded with supplies. "Sam!" Jane called, opening the door. "I need help."

"I'm busy, Jane," Sam snapped. "Your patient isn't the only one."

"Please … get Luka. Tell him I need him."

Again, the cold, hard, stare. "Deal with it, Jane!" And Sam vanished around the corner, leaving Jane to stare in disbelief. The bitch …

She'd have to go herself. Luka would come once she told him the problem. But she couldn't leave Summer. She'd promised she wouldn't leave her alone. The child was barely whimpering now, barely breathing. She had to do something _now_!

Deal with it. She _could_ deal with it. Summer obviously needed a chest tube. She had put in chest tubes before. Well… once anyway. It wasn't that hard. Again, the thrill of excitement washed away her fear. She could make a difference for her patient. She could save her. It was what Luka would expect her to do, she was sure. He'd be so proud, she _could_ shine. She could use the skills he'd taught her; display her newfound confidence and initiative. After all, in the time would take to run down the hall and get help, she could do it herself.

Jane ran back to Summer's side. First she needed oxygen. She should have taken care of that first thing. It took just a moment to get the O2 running, and the pulse ox attached. Only 83 percent. Then the chest tube tray.

"Ok, Summer. I'm going to help you now. Everything's going to be ok."

Fresh gloves. Local anesthetic. Ok. Now the scalpel. Cut just above the rib. A faint moan from Summer, there hadn't been time for the anesthetic to work, but there was no time to wait either. Now guide the tube in … it wouldn't go in … why wouldn't it pass? Jane pushed her fingers into the tract, widened it a little. Another gentle push. Still nothing. "Damn it …." _What_ was wrong? Another push, just a little harder. And the tube slipped in. Jane started to breathe a sigh of relief, then gasped as blood suddenly gushed out of the tube. A hemothorax, of course. That would make blood come out the tube. But there was more blood, and still more. It wasn't stopping. And Summer … she was suddenly too still. The numbers of the pulse ox were still dropping. Jane checked her pulse. God … why couldn't she find a pulse! The stethoscope. Listen for a heartbeat, for breath sounds. Only silence. Oh God … only silence.

Jane ran to the door and opened it. "Please!" she screamed, hoping someone would hear her. "I need help! Someone help me, please!" Then back to her patient to begin CPR, all too aware that more blood was gushing from from the tube with every compression.


	6. Chapter 6

Luka stripped off his gloves. "Ok. Let's get her up to the OR." He followed the residents as they took the woman to the elevators, then stopped and looked around. The worst of it seemed to be over. She was the last critical patient. The other trauma room was empty. There were a few minors yet, but they could probably wait a bit longer, or he could leave them to the residents. He'd check on Jane and sign off on her patient, then maybe grab Sam and get the lunch he'd planned to get an hour before.

Jane was doing well. They change in had been remarkable. She was a completely different person from the shy, awkward non-entity he'd taken under his wing two short weeks earlier. She was confident now; eager to learn and quick to master every new skill. A neglected flower blossomingbeneath his care. Luka smiled to himself. Maybe he could get Carter to pay off on that bet. A thousand pounds if he could turn the flower girl into a duchess. But no, he knew what Carter's response would be. "Ah, a thousand pounds of _what_?" And, knowing, Carter, it would probably be a thousand pounds of something he didn't want, delivered to his apartment at 3 a.m.And, in any case, Jane wasn't quite a duchess yet. Maybe a countess, but not a duchess. She still had a ways to go.

Still half lost in thought, Luka pushed open the door to exam 4 – and froze.

Blood. There was blood everywhere. Puddles of it on the floor, splatters of it across Jane's white coat and on her gloved hands. Summer's tee shirt had been pushed up around her armpits, leaving her chest bare, but it too was soaked with blood. Jane was doing CPR as tears coursed down her face, making faint pinkish trails through the blood smeared on her cheeks.

"Jane!"

"She needed a chest tube…" sobs choked her and kept her from saying more.

Luka turned and quickly looked back out into the hall. "Chuny! Four units of O-neg, stat! And another pair of hands!" Then back to Jane and their patient. "How long has she been down?"

"I … I'm not sure … 5 minutes?"

"Why didn't you call for help?"

"I did. I called for help. Nobody came."

Luka's heart skipped a beat and, for just an instant, he froze again. Then a breath, and he made himself focus. He grabbed an IV kit to start a line; it had to be ready when Chuny got back with the blood. But even as he worked, beneath Jane's franctic sobs, he also heard his own voice in his memory, 'I kept calling for help … nobody came.' God … Jasna had been just about the same size as Summer … and he had been just about Jane's age. He knew too well what it was like to be alone and inexperienced, with a life … literally … in your hands. What is was like to panic and forget the obvious; the alarm button on the wall.

The door flew open and Chuny was there. "This is the last of the O-neg, just 3 units."

"It will have to do. Chuny, take over for Jane." Jane let her hands fall and she started to sink down onto the stool, exhausted. No, he had to keep her busy, keep her focused … let her feel that she was doing something, making a difference for her patient. Though, in his own gut, he knew that nothing they were going to do would make a difference. "Jane, hang the blood."

"What?"

"Come on, Jane. You've done it before. She needs blood now."

Jane's hands were trembling as she picked up the first unit of blood. It slipped from her hands. She looked at him for a moment; he forced himself to give her an encouraging smile. Picking up the bag she slowly hung it from the stand.

Luka had the ET tube in and the monitor leads attached before Jane had finished hanging the blood. Asystole.

Oxygen, blood, saline, FFP, another chest tube, a dozen shocks. Luka did everything he could, but he knew they were just going through the motions. Summer was so small; it took no time at all for a child that size to bleed out. He could crack her chest, but that too would be just going through the motions.

Finally he shook his head and said quietly. "Ok, that's enough. Time of death, 15:25."

Jane stared at him, kept squeezing the bag. "No, Dr. Kovac. You have to keep trying … maybe more blood? There has to be _something_…."

"It won't help, Jane." He gently but firmly took her hands from the bag-mask and unhooked from the tubing. "Chuny, do you know if her mother's here yet?"

"I don't know. I'll go find out." She left, and Jane sank back down onto the stool.

"I killed her," she whispered. Then, with an edge of hysteria to her words, "I _killed her!"_

"No, Jane," Luka was about to say, when Jane suddenly jumped up from the stool and was clinging to him, her arms around his waist, sobbing into his shirt. "I killed her … I did …" Firmly, Luka took Jane's hands and unwrapped her arms from around him. Holding her by the shoulders he gave her a little shake.

"Come on, Jane, that's enough. Pull yourself together." Jane pulled free and crumpled back onto the stool; covered her face with her hands and sobbed.

Just then the door opened again. Luka turned, expecting to see Chuny, but it was Susan. For a moment she just stood there, frozen, just as Luka had been 20 minutes earlier. He knew she was taking in the blood, the hysterical medical student … and the dead child on the bed.

"What the _hell_ happened here?" Susan finally asked slowly.

Luka sighed, spoke quietly and matter-of-factly. "She started to crash. Jane realized she needed a chest tube; she didn't have a pediatric kit. The tube was the wrong size." He sighed again. "It was my fault, Susan. I left Jane alone with a potentially unstable patient. I hadn't finished assessing her … the girl looked stable, but I must have missed something."

Susan shook her head. "All the same, Jane should have known better than to try and do an advanced procedure like that without supervision. If the patient was crashing, she should have gotten help. There will definitely have to be an inquiry."

"I know," Luka said. His voice was suprisingly husky.

Jane took her hands from her face, looked up at him for a moment, then at Susan. "It doesn't matter," she whispered. "I don't care. Throw me out of the program … throw me in jail. I don't _care_. I can't do this!" Standing up again she brushed past Luka and, before he could react, pushed past Susan and ran from the room.

Luka moved to go after her but Susan said quietly, "Let her go, Luka. She'll be ok."

"Yeah." Of course she would be. Almost every medical student went through something like this; losing a patient through carelessness or over-confidence. He'd lived through it as a med student, and so would she.

There was nothing more to say. Luka wet a cloth and began to clean the blood from Summer's face. "Let me know when her mother gets here. She's supposed to be driving in from Elgin."

"A nurse can do that, Luka," Susan said gently.

"The nurses are busy." He didn't look at her; focused on Summer's face.

Susan stood in the doorway a moment longer, seemed to be about to say something, then turned and left.

The tubes and IV's would have to stay in place for the coroner, but he could clean her up a little; make her look nice for her mother. _You're never helpless Jane. There's always something you can do. Sometimes it's just a matter of finding that something._ He couldn't save her. He couldn't ease Jane's guilt, or his own, but he could clean away the blood, maybe make this a bit less traumatic for Summer's mother.

Summer's shirt had been cut down the front during the resuscitation efforts. Luka gently removed the tattered fabric. It was covered with blood, better for the mother to not see it. He folded it to put it away, and Bob the Builder smiled up at him

He had broken the news to Mrs. Clearlake as gently and clearly as he could. Not the whole truth (though, no doubt, it would come out soon enough), but no lies either. "Summer had some very severe injuries to her chest. We did everything possible, working on her for a long time. But her injuries were too serious; she'd lost too much blood. Summer died. I'm very sorry." Then he had taken her to see her daughter's body.

As soon as Chuny had taken her upstairs to wait for her husband to get out of surgery, Luka went to the desk. "Jerry, have you seen Jane?"

"I think she's at lunch. She went out with her coat on around half an hour ago."

Luka sighed. He grabbed the staff/student phone book from the shelf by the phone. Figler. 555-3872. He started to dial, then suddenly noticed the address. It was just a couple of blocks away. Some conversations were better done in person. "I'm going to lunch," he told Jerry, hanging up the phone and heading to the lounge for his own coat.

It had started to snow again. Luka stepped out into the ambulance bay and turned up his collar. The wind was sharp and cold. Walking rapidly, he started towards the sidewalk, and then suddenly saw a slender figure sitting on the curb. Her arms were wrapped around herself for warmth. The large white snowflakes in her hair and on her coat contrasted sharply with the vivid streaks of blood still on her face.

"Jane," he said gently. "Let's go back inside. Jane didn't answer, just shook her head. "Come on, it's freezing out here. You need to get cleaned up, and there are still patients to see."

"I can't …"

Luka sat down beside her. "I know it's upsetting to lose a patient. It's something you have to learn to deal with."

"I didn't _lose_ a patient, Luka. I _killed_ a patient. There's a difference."

"What exactly happened?"

"I told you. She started having trouble breathing. I knew she needed a chest tube. I'd done one before … I thought I could do it. I thought I did everything right, but the tube wouldn't go in. I … I kept pushing on it. It finally went in, but then she was bleeding … so much blood … it wouldn't stop … I didn't know what to do …" Jane wiped at the fresh tears. "What did I do wrong?"

"A 32 french tube is too large for a patient that small. You needed a pediatric-sized tube. And when you forced it into her chest, there wasn't much room for error … it probably struck her heart … we'll know for sure after the autopsy."

Jane was silent, shivering. Instinctively Luka took her hands in his own. She wasn't wearing gloves, her hands were freezing. "You made a mistake, Jane. Everyone makes mistakes. It's part of learning. What's important is that you did what you thought was best for your patient. You were doing the best you could to help her, right?"

A slow nod from Jane, then she bit her lip and shook her head. "Yes … _no_! I was …. I wanted to help her, but it was more than that. I wanted to impress you. I _could_ have gone for help, but I guess I wanted to show you what I could do … show you that I can be a good ER doctor. But I was wrong … I can't be."


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry that this chapter has taken forever. I was really lost with it ... sufficiently frustrated that I kept putting off working on it. Finally typed in what I had and sent it to my wonderful beta who helped me figure out what it needed. Hope it was worth the wait. It's definitely a long one...

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Luka gave Jane's cold hands a squeeze. "You're going to be an excellent doctor, Jane. What happened today … it doesn't change that. Every med student, every doctor in the ER has done something like that. It's part of learning to be a doctor. Sometimes we make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes have tragic consequences. It doesn't stop when you graduate, either. We're doctors, but we're also human. We work under enormous pressure … we make mistakes."

"You don't make mistakes," Jane said. "You're always so calm. I couldn't ever be like that. I'll bet you've never … killed a patient."

Luka hesitated, looked down at the snowy street. "Of course I have," he finally said. "Everyone has." Jane waited for him to go on. A quiet sigh. "Just a couple of years ago. I wasn't feeling well; I shouldn't even have come into work that day. A young man came into the ER. I missed some very obvious symptoms; I didn't listen when the nurses pointed them out to me. I just wanted to get through the shift and go home. He had leukemia, he was septic when he came in, but I diagnosed it as the flu. Then I messed up an intubation;, he ended up deprived of oxygen for too long. He died a couple of weeks later in the ICU … he never even regained consciousness."

"Still, it's different for you," Jane said."You _know_ that you can do a good job, you know you're a good doctor. It must have been … awful … what happened that day; but you've helped thousands of patients … saved so many lives. It's different when you're a student." She managed a faint smile. "You probably don't even remember what it feels like. You tell me that I can be a good doctor … I don't know. I don't see it. All I see is that little girl ... and she's dead because _I_ was the one who took care of her. Maybe I don't even want to be a doctor, Luka. I don't know if I want that kind of responsibility."

Again Luka was quiet for a minute. He glanced at her, then looked away again. "I was an intern, just about your age. I was living in Vukovar. I told you about that, didn't I?"

"Yeah. You said you were there during the war."

"The city was under siege. Supplies were low, there were so many patients; the shelling never stopped. We did the best we could, but so many of the patients died … patients who might have survived if we'd had better equipment, more supplies. We had to make a lot of hard choices, sometimes letting patients die so that we could give what time and medicine we had to others … the ones who had a better chance. It was hard, but it was also … exciting. I knew that if I could function, do my best, in that kind of situation, that I could do anything. I _knew_ I could be a great doctor."

Looking into Luka's face Jane could see the excitement in his eyes as he relived the moment. Tragic … horrible … but so obviously, as he'd said, exciting. A rush. The same rush she had felt earlier that day when the victims had begun pouring in. _That_ was what emergency medicine was supposed to be about. Luka's eyes met hers for a moment, and she sensed that there was going to be more to the story. His voice softened, he looked away from her again.

"One day I went home after working a long shift. I was living with my family, my wife and two children in a small flat just a few blocks from the hospital. We needed some supplies from the market, so I went out again. While I was out … I'd just left, really ... a shell hit the apartment building. I ran back inside … our flat was on the top floor, it had taken the worst of it. My son was already dead. My daughter was very badly injured, she stopped breathing just moments after I got to her. And my wife, Danijela, she was also injured, bleeding very badly. At the hospital I'd dealt with situations like that every day. I knew the rules of triage, I knew about those hard choices. I should have taken Danijela to the hospital; her injuries were operable. If I'd gotten her there quickly, she probably would have survived. But at that moment I forgot everything. I couldn't think. All I could think about was that Jasna, my daughter, needed help; that she would die if I didn't help her. I started doing CPR … I sat there for hours, doing CPR on my dead child … and while I was doing that, my wife bled to death, just a few feet away from me. Like you, I called for help. Nobody ever came to help me." Luka had told his story quietly and calmly, but on the last few words, his voice broke a little. He cleared his throat and looked at her again. "And no, Jane, I've never forgotten that. I've never forgotten how I felt that day. I've never stopping wishing I'd made a different choice."

Jane swallowed hard, the pain in Luka's eyes striking her like a blow. He looked tired … older somehow. He had told her before that he'd lost his family, but she'd never imagined it had happened that way. But she knew he didn't want her sympathy. He'd told the story for _her_ benefit. She shook her head, tried to think of something to say.

"So, how do you go on after something like that? How do you deal with the responsibility… knowing that your choices, your mistakes, mean that people live or die?"

Another quiet smile. "You focus on the 'live' part of the equation. You think about all the people you _can_ help, and have helped; all the people who are alive because you were there."

"I just don't think I can," Jane said again. "I'm _not_ … like you."

"You have to." Luka's voice became brisk and businesslike again. "What do you they say? When you fall off a horse you have to get right back on again? Well, that's what you have to do here. We're going to go back inside, you'll get cleaned up and warm up with a cup of hot coffee, and then you're going to start seeing patients again."

He rose and offered her a hand, pulling her to her feet. They started towards the doors. "It was my fault too, Jane," he said. "What I told Dr. Lewis was true. I should have been more careful, evaluated her more thoroughly before leaving you alone with her. I wanted to encourage you, let you gain confidence by dealing with patients on your own. I thought I was doing the right thing … " A small shake of the head. "And that's something else that never changes, Jane. We never stop second guessing ourselves. Every time a patient dies, I _always_ wonder if there might have been something I could have done differently. Even when I know I did everything right, I always wonder."

They'd reached the lounge. Jane went to the sink to wash the blood from her face.

"What do you take in your coffee?" Luka asked her.

"Just sugar. What's going to happen to me now? I _am_ in trouble, aren't I."

"Nothing will happen to you. There will be an inquiry, an M & M. But I'm your supervisor, so I'll answer most of the questions, do most of the talking. And if there are any repercussions, they'll be mine, not yours. Summer was my patient, you were working under my direction."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Luka smiled and handed her the coffee. "It's all part of the job."

"You told her mother?"

A nod, but no smile this time. "Also part of the job."

Jane took a sip of coffee. "If you're trying to convince me to stay in ER medicine, you're not doing a very good job of it." She laughed a little, and Luka smiled into his coffee cup.

"It's not an easy job, Jane. But I think you'll find it's worth it."

The lounge door opened and Sam's head poked through it. "There you are, Luka. Dr. Lewis is looking for you."

"Tell her I'll be right there."

And suddenly Sam spotted Jane. Their eyes met again for a second and Jane saw the familiar coolness there. But Sam put on a rather unconvincing smile.

"What happened with your patient? The kid? Everything work out ok?"

"I didn't think you cared." Jane made her voice just as cool, not a difficult task.

Luka frowned. "What's going on?"

"I could ask you the same question," Sam snapped.

"About what?" Luka looked baffled, looked from Jane to Sam and back again.

"I told Sam I needed help." Jane said quietly. "She ignored me … told me to 'deal with it.'"

"Is that true, Sam?" Jane could see the tension in his back, in his jaw.

Sam shook her head, steppedfully into the room and shut the door behind her. "We had a lot of patients, Luka. It was a mass casualty situation. I can't drop everything to help every med student with a question. She wants to be a doctor; she needs to learn a little initiative."

"She _needed_ _help_. Did you even ask her what the problem was? Stop to check?"

"She didn't," Jane volunteered. "She just … left."

Luka shut his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath. "Jane, go find some scrubs. Get changed and look over the charts in the rack. I'll be along in a few minutes."

"Luka …" Jane said hesitantly. She didn't want to leave. She felt safer, somehow, in his presence, as if he could protect her from the horrors of the afternoon.

"Go get changed," Luka said again. "Remember what I said about getting right back to work?"

"Ok …" Jane nodded and tossing her coffee cup in the trash, left the room.

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As soon as the door had closed behind Jane, Luka turned to Sam. "The patient died, Sam. A six year old child died because you couldn't take 3 seconds to ask …"

"I didn't know, Luka." The cool look in Sam's eyes had given way to shock.

"You didn't _ask_. She's a student, she's been working in the ER for 6 weeks. You've been working in ERs for years. Why couldn't you give her a minute of your time? The worst of the flood of patients was over."

Sam shuffled her feet for a moment, then her face hardened and her voice grew hard too. "She hangs on you like a leech, Luka. Don't tell me you haven't noticed! And don't tell me you don't like it … you don't encourage it. I've never seen _you_ give that much time and attention to a student."

Luka's jaw dropped. "You're jealous? Christ, Sam … you let a patient die because you're _jealous_ of a 25 year old kid?"

"I'm a 27 year old kid," Sam said softly.

For a minute Luka didn't say anything. Then a sigh. "Look, Sam. This is a hospital. I work with all kinds of people; patients, residents, nurses … and medical students. Statistically, about half of them will be female, and a lot of those will be young and attractive. If you can't trust me to be professional … if you can't … trust me …" He shook his head and turned away from her.

"I want to trust you, Luka. But have you really not noticed how she's behaving? How _you're_ behaving? You're with her constantly. You've never given that much attention to other med students."

"Other med students haven't needed that much attention. My job is to help people who need me, Sam. All of them." He started for the door. "I need to go find Susan. We'll talk more about this later."

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Jane was flipping through the charts in the rack when Luka approached. He still looked a bit tense, but he smiled at her, and she managed to smile back. She_ did _feel better in his presence. "We have a 2 month old with a fever, a 9 year old with an ear ache …"

"I think we've seen enough kids today, Jane," Luka interrupted.

"40 year old man with a sprained wrist?"

"Sounds good." Luka took the chart from her and glanced over it. "Let's go."

As they started towards curtain area 1, Jane said quietly, "I guess things aren't going very well between you and Sam?"

"I'm pretty angry right now," Luka admitted. "What she did was very wrong. She should have stopped to help you."

Jane looked up at him for a moment and felt a rush of warmth as he smiled down at her again. And before she knew what was happening, the words spilled out. "I just want to say … I know you're my supervisor right now … but this is the last week of my rotation … and if things don't work out between you … I like you … I know you like me …" She felt her face grow hot. "I'm … I'm here for you like you've been here for me."

"Oh, Jane …" Luka sighed and pulled her into a quiet side hallway, put his hands on her shoulders. Was he going to kiss her? Embrace her? Jane trembled a little. But Luka just spoke quietly, looking into her eyes. "I do like you. You're an excellent medical student, and a great person. But that's all. If I ever gave you the impression that there was anything more, that I was interested in anything more, I'm sorry. Sam and I are going through a rough time right now, but we'll work it out. Relationships have ups and downs, you know that."

Jane shook her head. "I don't … not really." She was stammering a little.

"Well, anyway … I'm very flattered, Jane. But I'm with Sam." He still spoke quietly but firmly.

Jane looked at the floor, and her blush deepened. She pulled away from him. "Oh God … I feel so stupid! I thought …" She turned away quickly, so Luka wouldn't see the tears that were threatening to spill over again. "How could I have been so stupid!" God, this was humiliating!

"You weren't stupid. It was just a misunderstanding. Maybe I did give you the wrong impression. I'm sorry. Let's just forget about it, ok? Now, come on. There's a sprained wrist waiting for us."

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When was the day going to end? Luka kept her busy with a steady stream of patients. Nothing too complex, nothing that might shake her confidence again. Just enough to see that her mind was occupied every moment. He supervised her more closely than usual, never leaving her alone with her patients. He wasn't going to let another tragedy happen today.

And it helped a little. By focusing on her patients Jane could, for a few moments at a time, forget about Summer. She could remember the patients she _could_ help, the lives she could save.

But she couldn't forget Luka. He was at her elbow every moment; encouraging her, his eyes and voice as warm as ever. She should ask him to let her work with another doctor. Maybe Dr. Pratt or Dr. Lockhart. It would be better for both of them. But she couldn't do it. As hard as it was to be near him, she knew it would be harder to be apart. And would he even understand why she wanted to go? He seemed to have forgotten those 3 humiliating minutes in the hallway. He treated her just as he always had, encouraging, warm, professional.

Jane could see that now. He had _always_ been professional with her, a mentor and a teacher, nothing more. It was only her own dreams, her fantasies, her loneliness that had let her see something more in it.

But to let go of those dreams … the one thing that had made the rotation bearable … had given her something to look forward to. That was hard.

"Jane?" The voice she had heard so often these past three weeks. How long had she been standing there listening to Mrs. Melnick's chest? Or rather, how long had she been holding the stethoscope pressed against Mrs. Melnick's chest while she daydreamed. She forced herself to listen for a minute.

"Chest is clear, normal heart sounds."

"Good," Luka said. Then more softly. "You're doing great, Jane."

She managed a smile. 'Pull yourself together here, Jane!' she told herself firmly. 'You're falling apart over nothing. Luka lost his whole family and _he_ picked up the pieces and went on. You lost nothing … there was never anything to lose.' Clearing her throat she said. "No evidence of pneumonia. Probably a viral bronchitis."

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Finally the last patient was dispo'd, the wretched day was over. Luka came out of the lounge with his coat on. "Have a good evening, Jane," he said. "Get yourself some dinner, and get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow will be a much better day."

"Thanks, Lu … Dr. Kovac. I will." And she watched, numb, as Sam came down the corridor and Luka put his arm around her shoulder.

"Good night, Jane," Sam said.

"Good night." And she pretended to busy herself with something at the desk so she wouldn't have to see them walk out together.

As soon as they were gone, Jane went to the lounge for her own coat. The room was empty. She slowly put on her coat. She didn't want to go home, back to her wretched little room and her books and her miserable dinner. But staying here would be even worse. And suddenly the tears that had been threatening all afternoon spilled over. She sank to the floor, leaned her head on her knees and sobbed.

_God … for someone who's supposed to be a brain, you are **so** stupid, Jane! Didn't you learn it years ago? Invisible is better. No-one notices you, you don't get hurt. Nobody gets hurt. You wanted to impress Luka, show him what you could do. And someone had died. She'd confessed her feelings to Luka … her heart had been broken. She's humiliated herself._

'Tomorrow will be a better day,' he'd assured her. And it would be. She hadn't learned any new skills today, but she'd definitely learned a valuable lesson. She would come back tomorrow, go back to being Invisible Jane. She would get through the days, get through her rotation. Do her job, don't make waves. And then she'd leave the ER and a few months later, leave Chicago, make a fresh start in Boston or Georgia or Kansas. She would start over. But Summer … Summer could never start over. More tears.

"Jane?" Jane looked up in surprise, embarrassed. She hadn't heard anyone come in. It was Tony LePazzi, one of the residents. She didn't really know him, but she remembered that he was the one who hadn't recognized her in the ambulance bay the other night. He sat down beside her. "I heard about what happened with the little girl. It's rough, I know."

"Yeah." Jane wiped at her eyes. "I did something stupid. But I'm ok now. I should probably get home."

"No, you shouldn't." Tony spoke firmly. "After such a lousy day the _last_ thing you need is to go home and be alone." A hesitation, and his voice softened a little. "Maybe you'd like to get some dinner with me?"

Jane shook her head. "I … I can't."

"Why not?"

She cast about for an excuse. "I'm not dressed for going out." Jane motioned towards her borrowed scrubs.

"I wasn't suggesting anything fancy. I _am_ just an intern, you know. My budget doesn't stretch to four star restaurants. We could go to Ike's, or that new Greek place around the corner."

_No. Not Ike's. She'd gone to Ike's with Luka. _"Greek food sounds good. Let me just wash my face first … tidy up."

"Ok. I'll meet you by the doors."

In the lady's room, Jane washed the tears from her cheeks and quickly brushed out her tangled hair. Then she stood and regarded herself in the mirror for a moment. That evening in the ambulance bay when Tony had first noticed her she'd been … almost … pretty. Was she almost pretty now? The last remnants of tears brightened her eyes, emotion made her cheeks pink. No, she wasn't pretty, but Tony seemed to like her, seemed to be interested in her. And no, Tony wasn't Luka Kovac. He wasn't tall and dark with an exotic accent. But he wasn't bad looking. And she knew he had a reputation for being one of the more compassionate residents in the department, and he was funny and a bit shy himself.

Jane was surprised to see her reflection in the mirror smiling at her. Maybe tomorrow _would_ be a better day.

Tony was waiting for her by the doors. "Ready?"

"Yes."

"I hope you're hungry. Athena's makes the biggest damn gyros in the city."

"I'm starving," Jane said. She felt Tony take her mittened hand in his and they walked out together into the snowy evening.


End file.
